Crush
by pinkperson
Summary: Laguna is reluctant to talk about the painful subject of Julia with Raine.


I remember the night that Raine first asked me abut Julia.

It had been a few months into our relationship when she asked me about her. I had been wanting to tell her about her, but I wasn't sure if she'd want to hear about another woman that I had feelings for in the past.

But Raine was full of surprises.

We were lying on her bed, Ellone asleep in the bed next to us. It was past midnight and we'd stayed up talking and giggling, trying to keep as quiet as possible so the little monster didn't wake up and ask if she could join us too.

I was lying on my side, a pleasant angle to admire Raine who lay on her back, laughing at me, her eyes bright. Her long brown hair tumbled over her shoulders, a little curly and messy. God, she looked so beautiful… And when she smiled, when those tense wrinkles smoothed out and relaxed, it felt like I was in heaven. Even if it was a cocky little smile like the one she wore at that moment.

"That's so cute," she said, between chuckles. "You had a little school boy crush on her, didn't you?"

"Shut up," I said shyly, sitting up and hitting her with the pillow I'd been leaning against. She laughed, ducked away, and snatched the pillow from my hands, hitting me with it even harder than I'd tried to hit her.

"Hey! Don't mess with the hair," I joked.

"Okay, pretty boy. So," she said, leaning back again, "how come you didn't end up with her? I can tell you really like her from the look in your eyes."

"I was saving myself for you," I said, smiling at her.

"Saving yourself, huh? You sure you just couldn't get laid?"

I rolled my eyes as I felt tempted to hit her with the pillow again. I knew I was blushing, but for some reason I didn't feel ashamed of it. She made me feel so comfortable that I didn't care how I looked. At least, appearance-wise. "You don't have to be so mean," I said with a mock pout.

Raine sighed then as she turned away from me, bit her lip. I watched a little nervously, waiting for what she had to say.

Finally, she broke the silence, eyes darting to me. "Was she...pretty?" she asked.

I averted my eyes and brought a hand to my neck, scratched it nervously. "Raine..."

"I'm just asking. Can't I ask?"

I lowered my head, stared at my hands as I held them together in my lap. I felt my breaths become more shallow. I tried to calm myself down by shutting my eyes. We'd been on this subject long enough where I was starting to feel uncomfortable. I didn't like to think about her.

"I'm sorry Raine, but...please don't make me talk about it," I pleaded. "It's in the past. I'm just...I'm just trying to move on."

Raine stared at me then, her eyes glowing in the dark due to the lamp behind us. I saw the hurt in her eyes, the disappointment. The jealousy.

I was keeping something from her.

I sat with my head lowered and my hands in my lap in the silence, unmoving and feeling guilty. She had done so much for me and I couldn't even share this part of my life with her.

"Um, so, what about you?" I said, in an attempt to change the subject. "How many hearts have you broken?"

I flinched inwardly, realizing what I'd said. "Dang it. I didn't mean it like that. I mean-"

Raine laughed, leaned over and put a hand over mine, and my hand twitched at the coldness of her hand. "Laguna, what have I told you about needing to relax? My feelings don't get hurt that easily." She leaned back then and shrugged her shoulders, ran a hand through her hair as her smile faded. "To be honest, you're only my...my second boyfriend," she said, and I could hear the embarrassment in her shaky voice.

I grinned, unable to stop myself. "Really?" I asked a little too eagerly.

"You don't have to sound so happy about it," she said, rolling her eyes.

"But you're a sex bomb, Raine. How could I be only your second boyfriend? You've got such bodacious curves, pretty turtlenecks, a killer attitude..."

"Killer attitude? Am I to take that literally?" She asked arching an eyebrow.

"Uh, I don't think so? I mean, you're just the whole package. You're the perfect woman. That's what I'm trying to say," I said, and I felt my face warm up as I smiled at her.

Raine shook her head then, but she didn't say anything. In that moment there was silence, but not the uncomfortable kind. We both sat and stared into each others eyes before I leaned forward, placed a hand against her right cheek, felt its heat as I shut my eyes and pressed my lips against hers. Despite the coldness of her body, her tongue felt hot as fire.

That night was one of my favorite memories of her. I always think of it when I flip through the photos I have of her. The photos that I not only look at with guilt, but also love and gratefulness.

I feel so grateful for having met Julia. She was a kind woman with the most melodic easy-on-the-ears voice. She was soft and sweet, in a way that was the opposite of Raine (not to say that she didn't have her moments!).

I felt devastated when I heard about her death. I couldn't believe it. I still remember what it felt like to hear about it over the radio. That isn't the way to hear about a good friend's death. Even though I hadn't seen her in so long, it broke my heart.

I'd stopped my car instantly on the side of the road I'd been driving on, and began to hyperventilate. I felt the tears slide down my face as my hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. I stared blankly at nothing as the song "Eyes on Me" replayed in my mind and on the radio.

Her death was a tragedy.

I guess it was still a touchy subject for me when Raine had asked about her. I ended up telling her about her a few nights later after working up the nerve. I had still yet to come to terms with her death.

I had sat next to Raine, hands trembling in my lap as I whispered the details of her life and death. I cried and she sat silently beside me before resting a hand against my back and rubbing it. She rubbed it in circles, small and big ones. She then leaned over and laid her head against my shoulder, told me that it's okay, that it's okay for me to cry.

I had been scared to talk to her about it, but once I had, I felt a weight lift from my chest. I did feel better. I never would have thought that talking to her about something so painful could make me feel so good at the end. I hugged her hard that night, and I told her I loved her for the first time.

I feel so grateful for having met Julia. Not only did I share beautiful moments with her, but she also led me down a path towards Raine. I can only hope that she died feeling that she lived a fulfilling life herself.

I personally believe that she did.


End file.
